


Beloved

by Demenior



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Aftercare, Bathing/Washing, Commission fic, Cuddling & Snuggling, Established Relationship, Hand Feeding, M/M, Rope Bondage, Safeword Use, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tenderness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-08-22
Packaged: 2019-07-01 06:28:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15768489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demenior/pseuds/Demenior
Summary: With a full day of sensual activities planned, Shiro and Ulaz are eager to lock their doors and have some fun together. During one round, Shiro is triggered into a full out panic attack and has to safeword out.In the aftermath, Shiro is terrified that Ulaz will be frustrated with him and how slow his recovery is. Ulaz is worried he won't be able to draw Shiro back out of his shell. Together, they take some small steps to making everything okay again.(It's about 1/5 porn, 4/5 comfort)





	Beloved

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dragonryder94](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonryder94/gifts).



> This story was comissioned by, and is gifted to, Dragonryder94 (aka Saltyhedgehog on tumblr).
> 
> I was so happy to write this commission! It's EVERYTHING I love to write!! It was wonderful to work with you!
> 
> Now settle in and enjoy some of the most tender comfort your eyes have ever been beholden to, as well as Ulaz dropping some of the most romantic lines ever written.
> 
> [Note: if you aren't interested in the sex bits, you can skip right to the line break!]

Shiro strains against the ropes binding his hands behind his back. There’s no give, no matter how much he writhes.

Ulaz rumbles a low growl that reverberates through Shiro’s entire body. His hand tightens on Shiro’s wrists, gripping firm enough to bruise, as he thrusts his cock in and out of Shiro. The unrelenting stretch of Ulaz moving in him renders Shiro speechless.

“This was an excellent idea,” Ulaz announces, “you are magnificent!”

Shiro’s mouth falls open as Ulaz fucks him hard, and he can’t speak while Ulaz is hitting that spot inside of him that’s making him see stars. Shiro’s bent so far forwards that if Ulaz wasn’t holding him up, his face would be pressed into the sheets.

It’s not the first time they’ve tried something new, but it is the first time they’re trying something like this. When Shiro had brought up the idea, of using ropes or blindfolds, Ulaz had been a little hesitant, worried about putting Shiro into a situation too similar to his captivity, but Shiro had assured him he would be fine. Shiro loved being tied up  by his partners on earth. Ulaz seems to be an eager new convert.

Ulaz buries himself deep within Shiro and leans over Shiro’s back to nuzzle the nape of Shiro’s neck. He snuffles a little, almost sounding like an animal, and licks at the sweat there.

“Mine for the taking,” Ulaz growls, delighted, and nips at Shiro’s shoulder with his sharp teeth.

Shiro keens, so fucked out he can barely think. He’s missed this, this kind of trust with a partner. He always liked getting trussed up on earth, before the Kerberos Mission. He liked his partners having control, and being tied up by them. The strain in his shoulders is almost an ache, but Shiro’s so turned on that it only adds to his arousal. It’s so _good_ to feel this strength holding him again. He loves how strong Ulaz is, how easily the Galra can hold him and pin him.

“Harder,” Shiro challenges. He can tell that Ulaz’s cock is flaring, preparing to knot him, but from experience he knows that Ulaz can fuck him until Shiro’s crying from how good it feels before he comes. Shiro wants to be incoherent, fuck-drunk out of his mind, and then have Ulaz keep fucking him.

“Fuck me harder!” Shiro repeats, “make me scream.”

Ulaz is quiet a moment with shock. Shiro turns his head hard to face Ulaz over his shoulder.

“I love you,” Ulaz finally says, and leans in for a sloppy kiss. His tongue is thick, and a little course against Shiro’s lips, and even against Shiro’s own tongue, but it’s all sensation that Shiro’s body knows means _Ulaz_ and Shiro moans into it. Ulaz nips at his lips, and then pulls back to bring himself into a kneeling position, still buried deep within Shiro.

“Whatever my Beloved wants,” Ulaz says, “you shall receive.”

Shiro’s stomach drops with anticipation.

He groans as Ulaz pulls out of him in a slow drag. Ulaz’s huge cock stretches him to the point that his toes curl in sensation.

Ulaz digs his fingers into Shiro’s hips, the tips of his claws bite into Shiro’s skin with just the slightest threat of pain.

“I want to hear how much you like this,” Ulaz says.

He thrusts into Shiro so hard that Shiro’s forced up the bed a few inches, and Shiro shouts in surprise.

Ulaz doesn’t give him any time to recover, and sets a brutal pace. Shiro’s arms get yanked higher behind his back, straining his shoulders further. He can’t hold himself up and bows over, almost planting his face in the sheets.

Ulaz grunts and groans loudly, letting out an occasional word of praise, while Shiro pants heavily with his mouth open. He feels like his eyes could roll back into his head. This is so good, this is just what he needs. To be taken apart, to let go, just for a little bit. It’s just the two of them and there’s no one for Shiro to keep up appearances for.

He closes his eyes and gives himself to pleasure. There’s slick dripping between his legs from Ulaz’s frenzied thrusting. The wet sound of their sex fills the room. The ropes cut into Shiro’s skin every time he goes to move his hands. He keeps forgetting he’s tied, and then being reminded of it makes him even more aroused. He’s here for Ulaz’s pleasure, for Ulaz to do with him what he wants. Ulaz’s claws dig sharper into Shiro’s side.

Shiro’s stomach drops, like he’s fallen from a high height. He tries to shrug it off. That’s a weird reaction. Especially when everything feels so good. His brain must be fried.

“Beg for it,” Ulaz pants, “beg for me to breed you like you want.”

“Please!” Shiro shouts, voice breaking with each of Ulaz’s thrusts, “Oh fuck, harder, come on— fuck, Ulaz, please!”

Ulaz leans over him, pressing Shiro down with the hand holding Shiro’s bound wrists. Shiro’s completely penned in, he can feel Ulaz’s weight holding him in place. The Galra braces a large hand up by Shiro’s head. Shiro blinks his eyes open enough to see Ulaz’s long claws dig into the fabric and tear it.

“Mine,” Ulaz growls, breath wet and hot in Shiro’s ear, “you’re all mine. I’ll breed you fat and full, Beloved. You’ll never want another lover after what I do to you.”

He lets out a snarl as he thrusts short and sharp, jolting Shiro’s entire body. Shiro’s stomach has twisted itself in knots. Instead of warm arousal he feels cold, numbing dread.

_No, no, no_ he wills himself. He’s enjoying this! What’s happening?

Ulaz presses his face to the crook of Shiro’s neck, teeth sharp against Shiro’s throat.

And then there are more teeth— claws, scales. All over Shiro’s skin. They’re crowding him in.

Weapons? Who’s armed? Who’s coming for him?

He’s in danger— run!

No, no time to run.

Fight! Fight or die!  
  


* * *

  
“—Shiro? Shiro? Can you hear me?”

Ulaz sounds so far away.

Shiro thinks for a moment that his eyelids are too heavy, that he must have fallen unconscious, until he realizes that his eyes are open. It takes a moment for his brain to register what he’s seeing, and for him to recognize that he’s staring at the sheets.

“Shiro? What’s wrong?”

Ulaz is still buried to the hilt inside of him. Shiro can feel the hot press of Ulaz’s flared cock stretching him open. But otherwise, Ulaz isn’t moving at all.

Shiro breaks out in a cold sweat. No, no, why did this happen? Everything was fine! He feels sick, like he could throw up at any moment. His head hurts. His arms hurt. His thoughts are foggy, distant and hard to string together or understand.

“Shiro?” Ulaz asks. His hands move on Shiro’s skin, light touches. Shiro shivers and tries not to fall back into the memory. He needs to get away. He has to run— to hide— what does he do?

“R-red,” Shiro says before he even knows what he’s saying.

Ulaz freezes. Shiro doesn’t know if he actually spoke out loud. The words barely make sense in his head. What is he saying? It’s the end. The stop. That’s what he needs.

Breathe, breathe. He has to keep breathing.

“Red,” Shiro repeats, louder, and speaking it out loud spikes the anxiety within him and then he’s babbling a shrill, incoherent string of, “red, red, red, red!”

Ulaz pulls out of him. Shiro tries to curl in on himself with a sob. He can’t move with his hands tied behind his back like this. The ropes are like cuffs, and Shiro feels like he’s been hit in the stomach. He shouts, shrill and angry and afraid of what’s to come. They restrained him when they wanted to hurt him— what’s going to happen? What did he do wrong?

“Hold still,” Ulaz instructs, and he grips Shiro by the wrist. Shiro whimpers, and clenches his teeth to brace for the pain. He’s going to die— they’ll kill him— he can’t get free—

Ulaz doesn’t bother untying the knot. He cuts the rope with his claws. Shiro’s arms fall to his sides and he drops to the bed, trying to make himself as small as possible.

Coordinating his limbs is almost impossible. Shiro’s arms have gone numb from the position they were in, and Shiro’s shaking so bad he can’t keep his hands still.

Ulaz moves slowly, almost comically slow, compared to Shiro’s anxious shaking. Shiro whimpers at his touch, and flinches away, but Ulaz persists. He lifts Shiro up without effort and pulls Shiro into his lap so Shiro’s sitting sideways and braced in Ulaz’s arms. Ulaz runs a large hand up and down Shiro’s arm, getting the blood flowing again.

“Are you alright?” Ulaz asks. His cock is still hard, pressing up against Shiro’s thigh. Shiro can feel Ulaz’s slick leaking out of him. He’s can still feel the ache of how Ulaz had stretched him open with his tongue and his fingers before fucking him, and despite this entire panic attack, Shiro still yearns for it. Even his own dick is mostly erect, though Shiro’s far from aroused anymore. Shiro can’t believe he ruined this.

“I have you,” Ulaz whispers, “you are safe.”

“Sorry,” Shiro mumbles. It’s more of a groan than a real word. He clenches his teeth together to keep them from clicking against each other.

“Shh,” Ulaz retorts, “I will care for you.”

As the pins and needles fade from his fingers, Shiro wraps his arms around himself and tucks his chin to his chest. It’s as close to hiding as he can get. He’s embarrassed, and tired. If he had the energy to run away, he thinks he just might.

Ulaz rubs his back, and Shiro feels the rough slide of Ulaz’s tongue on his temple as Ulaz tries to comfort him.

“I have you, Beloved. You are not in danger.”

Of _course_ Shiro isn’t in danger. He was having some of the best sex of his life! And yet his brain went haywire and decided to ruin everything. Shiro ruins everything. Ulaz would be better off without him.

“’M sorry,” is all he’s able to communicate. He shouldn’t have safeworded. He’s never safeworded before. He never had to— even at other times when Shiro had felt awful, Ulaz had taken care of him. He should have waited for Ulaz to finish, and then dealt with his shit on his own time. Now he’s ruined this for Ulaz.

Ulaz runs the line of his nose up Shiro’s cheek— an affectionate Galran kiss.

“Come back to me. There is nothing to fear,” Ulaz insists.

Shiro wants to agree, to make some joke and then pretend this never happened. He wishes they could just go back to having sex, but right behind all of Ulaz’s touches are phantom swipes and fingers of memories past— most that Shiro can’t even completely remember, but the panic and nausea he feels at them is reason enough to fear them.

“You’re shaking,” Ulaz notes.

Shiro wants to argue that he’s fine. He just wants to be alone to lick his wounds. He needs to pull himself together so they can finish having sex and forget this even happened.

The thought of having sex again makes Shiro’s stomach roll threateningly. He hunches his shoulders higher, trying to curl in on himself.

Ulaz holds him close, balancing Shiro with one arm, as he leans for something behind Shiro. Shiro breathes hard to keep himself from getting sick at being crowded in. He cranes his neck enough to try and hide his face in Ulaz’s chest. Ulaz smells like sweat and sex, and underneath it all he smells like _Ulaz_. Like safety, love, protection. Like home.

A cool sheet comes over Shiro’s shoulders— the sheet from their bed, kicked aside while they’d been setting up for fun. Ulaz pulls it snugly around Shiro, tucking him in so he’s wrapped up from shoulder to toe. Ulaz even takes care, with his long arms, to make sure that Shiro’s feet are covered.

“I will only be a moment,” Ulaz insists, and slides Shiro out of his lap to set Shiro down on the bed before Shiro can protest.

He rolls out of the bed, and crosses their room in long strides. Even now Shiro can’t help but admire the long, lean form of him— muscle rippling under skin, long tail flicking back and forth. Shiro feels angry with himself for stopping the sex. He loves Ulaz so much, is so incredibly attracted to him and _loves_ having sex with him— why did he have to stop? He knows he has bad memories. Why does he keep letting them rule his life? Why does he go so long having good days, only to be reminded of how broken he truly is?

Ulaz goes to the small fridge they have in their room to grab refreshments. They keep it stocked for marathon days like today. Or, at least, what today was intended to be.

Ulaz returns and slides onto the tall bed like it’s no trouble when Shiro usually has to hop up to get into it. Ulaz settles a safe distance away, instead of crowding back in on Shiro. It’s a practiced move. Ulaz likes to be close, in contact and pressed together for comfort. Shiro likes distance because he usually can’t stomach being touched after he’s been triggered.

“Drink,” Ulaz insists. He pops the cap on the water bottle before handing it to Shiro. Their fingers brush as Shiro takes the bottle. Ulaz is so sturdy, that Shiro doesn’t realize how badly he’s shaking until Ulaz lets go, and Shiro’s jittery fingers slip and he drops the open bottle right onto the bed. Tears of frustration jump to Shiro’s eyes— he’s so— he’s so useless! He can’t do anything right!

Ulaz snatches the bottle off the bed before too much water spills out. Shiro’s breath catches on a sob as he works to maintain his breathing.

“May I help?” Ulaz asks.

Shiro hiccups again. He can’t look at Ulaz when he nods. He doesn’t know what’s going to help him right now, but he knows he can’t be trusted to do anything without fucking it up.

Ulaz comes to sit beside Shiro, and leans in to nuzzle against Shiro’s temple.

“I love you,” he whispers.

Shiro whimpers, and slowly lifts his head so that their noses touch in a Galran kiss.

“Here, gently,” Ulaz instructs. He brings the bottle to Shiro’s mouth, cupping the back of Shiro’s head. Shiro’s face burns with embarrassment, so he closes his eyes and lets Ulaz do this for him. At least Ulaz won’t drop it on him.

The water is cool and refreshing. Shiro lets it fill his mouth and relishes in the clean taste of it.

“Good,” Ulaz says when he pulls the bottle away. He wipes at a stray drop on Shiro’s lip with his thumb.

Shiro swallows before he whispers, “Sorry.”

Ulaz’s ears flicker and he leans closer.

“I didn’t hear— what did you say?”

Shiro shakes his head again, and tucks his chin to his chest. Ulaz will just tell him that everything is fine, even though Shiro’s starting to make a habit of ruining things.

Ulaz waits a moment before he accepts that Shiro isn’t going to say anything.

“May I?” he asks, and holds his hands out. Shiro nods, shallow, and doesn’t flinch as Ulaz envelops him in his arms again. Shiro tucks his face to Ulaz’s throat, and clenches his fists tightly under the blankets. He wills his hands to stop shaking. His teeth are clicking together unless he clenches his jaw.

“It’s alright,” Ulaz assures him, “I have you, Beloved.”

The words unlock something in Shiro’s chest— like a dam breaking. A sob leaps out of Shiro’s throat before he can stop it, and he almost chokes himself trying to hold it back. But where there’s one, there’s another, and Shiro’s not strong enough to stay quiet.

Ulaz hums a tune, or possibly just makes soothing sounds, as Shiro hiccups and gasps his way through the storm of emotions within himself. He rubs Shiro’s back and rocks the two of them back and forth. Shiro can’t even bring his hands up to hold onto Ulaz, and instead fists them in the blankets and keeps his face pressed to Ulaz’s skin.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro repeats between sobs.

Ulaz only pulls away so he can lick at the tears on Shiro’s face, and then nuzzles him softly as he peppers Shiro’s face with kisses.

“You’re safe,” Ulaz assures him, “there is nothing to apologize for.”

Ulaz cups the back of Shiro’s head in his hand, guides Shiro to rest against him again as he rocks. He rubs Shiro’s back through the sheet. All of his movements are soft and calm.

They stay like that until Shiro finally stops crying. His head feels heavy, and he’s so tired he wants to sleep right now.

“Are you hungry?” Ulaz asks. Shiro shakes his head ‘no’.

Ulaz turns away to reach out beside him, to where he set some other things from the fridge down on the bed. He holds up a chocolate bar.

“Can you try?” he asks, “for me?”

There’s very little that Shiro wouldn’t do for Ulaz. He nods nervously. And then wonders how he’s going to screw up eating.

As if reading his mind, Ulaz unwraps the chocolate himself and breaks off a small piece.

“Just a little bite,” Ulaz promises. Shiro opens his mouth obediently and lets Ulaz set it on his tongue.

Chewing feels like too much work, and so Shiro just sucks on it to melt the chocolate. Ulaz isn’t wrong. It feels a lot better than he thought it would to be eating something. It’s also just enough that Shiro’s stomach isn’t outright rejecting it. Ulaz takes a little nibble for himself and his ears wiggle in delight. He loves sweets. This is supposed to be Ulaz’s special treat.

Ulaz’s special treat that he’s feeding to Shiro like it’s no big deal.

Ulaz breaks off another piece to offer to Shiro. Shiro turns away.

“Are you ill?” Ulaz asks. Shiro shakes his head. He feels sick, but not sick enough that he’s going to throw up.

“Then have some more,” Ulaz insists, “it will help.”

Shiro shakes his head again. It’s Ulaz’s. He doesn’t want to take Ulaz’s favorite thing.

Ulaz relents, and goes to the fruits he’d brought over. They’ve found a variety, in their travels, that the humans can eat. And many that Shiro even likes, and sometimes craves. The fruit in Ulaz’s hand are similar to blueberries, but the size of grapes. They’re sectioned inside like pomegranates, but without the hard rind. Shiro likes biting into them and filling his mouth with the sweet juice.

Ulaz holds one delicately in his hand, careful not to pierce it with his claws, “Try one for now,” he says.

Trusting his mate, Shiro nods, and opens his mouth again so Ulaz can feed him. He’s so pathetic. He can’t even unclench his fists to feed himself.

Shiro bites into it just as he hiccups on a sob, and a mouthful of juice dribbles down his chin and drips onto the sheet, staining it. It stuns Shiro for a moment, until he feels overwhelmed with disgust that he can’t even do _this_ right. His face burns with shame and his eyes well up with tears again.

“Shh, shh,” Ulaz consoles him, “it’s okay.”

Ulaz wipes Shiro’s face with his fingers, and then grabs the edge of the sheet that Shiro is wrapped in to get the last of it.

Ulaz continues shushing him, and rubs his back and arms while he nuzzles Shiro’s tear-streaked cheeks and whispers soft condolences.

Shiro doesn’t feel very hungry after that. Ulaz insists he drink some more water, and coaxes Shiro into letting Ulaz feed that to him again. It’s nice, and refreshing to drink. Distantly Shiro’s aware that he should be hydrating and making sure he’s getting his blood sugar up again after being triggered, but right now he can barely think beyond how much he wishes he could launch himself out of an airlock rather than force Ulaz to have to keep dealing with his shit.

Ulaz sets the food aside and curls around Shiro, holding him tightly. He rubs his hands up and down Shiro’s arms and nuzzles Shiro’s face.

“I would like to clean us,” Ulaz says, “is that okay?”

Shiro nods, cheek rubbing against Ulaz’s soft fur as he does so.

Ulaz pulls away only briefly to slide off the bed. Shiro rolls to follow him. His body feels limp and he’s not sure if he can stand. Ulaz bends down to help strip Shiro out of the sheet, which has become tangled around Shiro’s limbs now. He scoops Shiro up under his knees and shoulders and effortlessly stands with Shiro in his arms. Shiro tucks his chin to his chest and tries not to feel ashamed that he can’t even walk without Ulaz’s help.

Ulaz sets Shiro down in the bathroom while he runs a bath for them. Shiro leans against the wall and holds a towel around his shoulders to fend off the chill. There’s lube leaking out of him, and Shiro shifts his weight from foot to foot impatiently.

Ulaz returns to him while the tub fills, and strokes his knuckles down Shiro’s cheek before pulling Shiro back into the warmth of his arms.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ulaz asks.

Shiro isn’t sure if there’s anything to talk about. There wasn’t even a specific trigger for this, or really even a solid memory that came back to haunt him. It was all sensations of things that might have happened. Could have happened. Suspicions that he’ll never know for certain, and doesn’t _want_ to know if they’re right or not.

“ _Can_ you talk right now?” Ulaz tries.

Shiro shakes his head. There’s only apologies and panic in his throat. Speaking feels ill-advised, especially now that he’s been able to stop crying. He would rather not break this tentative peace that Ulaz has brought him.

“Okay,” Ulaz says, “that’s okay. Talk to me when you are ready, Beloved.”

Shiro wishes he could kiss him.

Ulaz lifts and helps Shiro sink into the tub first. The water is hot and Shiro moves slowly to adjust to it, but he likes the heat of it. Once Shiro is seated, Ulaz steps in to sit down behind him. The water raises comically high. Ulaz’s long legs bracket Shiro’s, and Shiro gets to lean back and rest his back against Ulaz’s front.

Ulaz kisses the top of Shiro’s head, and then urges Shiro to scoot up a bit so he can lean back further into Ulaz.

Shiro rests his feet on the edge of the tub, while Ulaz holds his head afloat with one hand. With the other hand Ulaz squeezes out some shampoo onto Shiro and starts washing Shiro’s hair. Shiro closes his eyes and tries to let himself drift into a better mental space. Maybe _not_ thinking about what happened will help. He can’t think of a single topic that won’t bring him back to what a wreck he is. 

“I am sorry if I hurt you,” Ulaz says as he works, “I never want to be the cause for your pain.”

Shiro’s eyes start to burn again. It wasn’t Ulaz. He didn’t do anything. It’s just Shiro overreacting and ruining Ulaz’s day.

Ulaz’s ears come forwards when he hears the hitch in Shiro’s breathing.

“Shh,” Ulaz says gently, “you are safe. Relax, Beloved.”

He scoops up some water onto Shiro’s head and massages the shampoo in. Shiro focuses on that now. Hopefully it will work better than trying to think of just _anything_ else. It feels divine— the pinpoints of Ulaz’s claws against his scalp, the warmth of the water around him. He focuses on evening out his breathing, of letting go of the tears that want to come out. He can be calm. Shiro can be calm.

Ulaz finishes washing Shiro’s hair, and then pulls Shiro up so they can sit front-to-back again. He wraps his arms around Shiro’s waist and rests his chin on Shiro’s shoulder.

“I love you,” Ulaz says, and kisses Shiro’s throat.

Shiro brings up a wet hand to place on Ulaz’s hand that’s resting on his chest. He pictures Ulaz feeling his heartbeat through his palm, and imagines it’s steady. Shiro almost thinks he can feel it too. 

He’s going to try and speak. It feels like opening his mouth will give him permission to beg forgiveness, and cry again, but he wants Ulaz to know he loves him too.

As soon as he opens his mouth he regrets it, feeling the loathing come roaring up. Shiro clamps his teeth together and braces himself to try and hold it in. Ulaz feels the tension in him.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro chokes out.

“I love you,” Ulaz says again, firmly, “you will be okay.”

Ulaz moves slowly, checking to make sure that Shiro is comfortable, and then washes the sweat off of Shiro’s stomach, and the extra lube off his thighs as well as gently wiping off his penis. Shiro shivers and feels nauseous, but knows he’ll be happier for it.

Ulaz can feel him shaking, and finishes as fast as he can.

“I think we’re done,” he announces, and nudges Shiro to scoot forwards so he can stand.

The water level drops as soon as Ulaz gets up, and Shiro takes the time to recompose himself. The phantom touches that lurked in his triggered state are whispering at the edges of his mind again. Ulaz isn’t one of them, he isn’t one of the people Shiro fears. Shiro loves Ulaz’s hands on him. He needs to stop being so dramatic over his boyfriend trying to help him.

Ulaz shakes off, the muscles of his back twitching indiscriminately to try and get dry. He shakes each foot out like he’s stepped in something gross, and Shiro finds it so endearingly cute that he can’t help but smile at the sight. Ulaz quickly towels himself off. He spends an extra minute making sure the tuft at the end of his tail is dry too. His mane of white fur stands on end, and the fur on his body is extra fluffed. He’ll smooth it all out later— Ulaz is incredibly vain and meticulous about his appearance— but for now he ignores it.

Shiro goes to get up but Ulaz holds a hand out at him, “No, stay,” he orders.

Shiro sits back in the water and waits.

Ulaz finds a fresh new towel and then comes back to Shiro. He sets the towel to the side and crouches down beside the tub so he can reach in. Shiro doesn’t often like being babied like this, and considers not being helpful or even pushing Ulaz away. But then again, he just wants Ulaz to hold him until everything bad in his brain goes back to the dark corner he keeps it in. Shiro lifts his arms and wraps them around Ulaz’s neck as Ulaz lifts him from the water.

“Let me do this,” Ulaz insists.

Shiro’s feet touch the floor, and he stands patiently as Ulaz gets the towel and starts drying Shiro himself. It feels strange, having someone else do this for him. Ulaz scrubs his hair dry, and Shiro’s sure it’s sticking up in all sorts of directions. They smile at each other when Ulaz lifts the towel off of Shiro’s head. And then Ulaz dabs at the drips on his face, and gently strokes the towel down Shiro’s neck.

He doesn’t waste time, but doesn’t rush through the rest of Shiro’s body. He wipes down Shiro’s chest, his arms, takes care to get between his fingers. Shiro turns so Ulaz can get to the expanse of his back. Ulaz presses a soft kiss to Shiro’s shoulder blades. Ulaz kneels to wipe Shiro’s groin and legs, and has Shiro balance on one foot so Ulaz can dry off his feet. By the end of it, Shiro feels pampered, and calmer. The torrent in his mind is soothed, to some extent.

He’s also chilly now, and shivers. Ulaz nods, like he’s having an internal conversation and just came to some agreement with himself.

Ulaz instructs Shiro to wait again, and steps out of the bathroom one more time. He returns with the quilt from their bed, and drapes it over Shiro’s shoulders like a cape.

“I will get our bed ready,” Ulaz promises. Shiro holds the edges of the blanket snugly around him. It’s almost as good as if Ulaz was holding him.

Shiro walks with Ulaz out of the bathroom and back to their bed. Ulaz pauses, signaling a place to wait, and kisses the top of Shiro’s head.

“I will be quick,” he says.

Shiro pulls the blanket tighter around himself as Ulaz quickly strips the bed. The sheets are spotted with come and lube, not to mention some areas where Ulaz’s claws or Shiro’s right hand may have pulled the threads apart or left small holes. Ulaz had already retrieved the spare bedding, and makes quick work of putting the new sheets on. He balls up their dirty laundry and sets it beside the door to be taken out when they eventually leave their room.

Shiro waits patiently as Ulaz arranges their wide variety of pillows and blankets onto the bed, building them a quick nest. The tip of his long tail flicks from side to side as he concentrates in making sure everything is placed and fluffed properly.

Shiro feels overcome with affection for his mate, who hasn’t spoken a single grievance about Shiro’s abrupt mood change and having to throw out all of their plans for the day. Who is now taking care to make sure Shiro feels pampered and safe, and will have the best nest possible to sleep in.

Shiro wants to kiss him and fall into bed together. He wants to have that joy he felt this morning when Ulaz carried him to bed and promised to do all sorts of dirty things to him.

“I’m sorry,” Shiro announces to Ulaz’s back, and for the first time since his panic attack there’s coherency to the apology, “I overreacted.”

Ulaz pauses, and turns around to face Shiro. His ears twitch, pointing right at Shiro, and his bushy brows come together as he considers Shiro’s words.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Ulaz insists.

Shiro looks down at his toes— the ones Ulaz took so long to dry off that he made Shiro ticklish, “I shouldn’t have safeworded.”

Ulaz’s ears come straight up, “Shiro!” he starts.

Shiro shakes his head, “We were having a really good time— I didn’t need to panic this bad. I knew I was never in any danger, I just didn’t feel good for a bit. I’m sorry I ruined this.”

Ulaz crosses the space between them in one stride. Shiro almost flinches away. Ulaz pauses, and clasps his hands together to keep them back. Shiro can be weird about being touched after an attack. He’s not even sure how he’d respond to being grabbed so suddenly.

“I adore you,” Ulaz says, and struggles to keep his hands to himself, “and I am delighted that you trust me with your safety— that you trust that I will care for you when you’ve had too much.”

“It wasn’t too much,” Shiro says, “I— I think I want to try again. Even though I couldn’t do it today. That’s dumb, right?”

“I know what you have been through,” Ulaz says, and lets that hang in the air, “I know _you_. And the fact that you were willing to try this for me is a big step for you.”

Shiro frowns. He thinks he wants to argue with that.

“Beloved,” Ulaz purrs, “you are so brave and wonderful. I want all parts of you, and I love when you care for yourself.”

Shiro glances up at Ulaz, “Seriously?”

“Yes,” Ulaz confirms, and holds out a hand, “now come here, I would like to hold you.”

Shiro can’t fight the smile that wants to bloom on his lips, and he steps forwards into Ulaz’s arms. Ulaz nuzzles his hair and holds Shiro tight.

“You are so brave,” Ulaz whispers, “and so strong. I admire you more every day.”

Shiro lets Ulaz pick him up, holding him sideways under the shoulders and the knees, and Ulaz carries him back to bed. Ulaz sets Shiro down in the nest reverently, like he’s something of value. Shiro wiggles a bit to get comfortable in the pillows and blankets, and then Ulaz climbs in with him. The two of them lay together so they are face-to-face. Ulaz leans in to rub their noses together. Shiro closes his eyes and smiles through the kiss.

“I love you,” Shiro says. He blinks his eyes open, and then lifts the blanket he’s wrapped in so he can offer a side of it to Ulaz, and feels the brush of his mate’s fur against his chest as Ulaz tucks himself in.

Ulaz smiles and begins to purr. Shiro feels Ulaz’s tail hook around his ankle under the blanket.

“I love you too,” Ulaz says.

Shiro wishes he had more to say, but words escape him at the moment. Ulaz gives him more soft nose-nuzzle Galran kisses to his face, making Shiro smile wider. It’s hard to keep his eyes open, and he lets himself relax into Ulaz’s arms. Encompassed by the soft nest around them, and Ulaz’s sturdy body against him, Shiro finally lets go of the tension in his gut. Ulaz rubs his hands up and down Shiro’s back, rumbling his happy purr.

“I’m tired,” Shiro admits.

“Good,” Ulaz says, “rest now. I will be here when you awaken.”

“Thank you,” Shiro says without opening his eyes, “for still being here, despite... everything.”

“For you, Beloved,” Ulaz says, “I would endure many hardships. This is not one of them.”

Shiro throws his arm over Ulaz, holding him close, and rubs his cheek into Ulaz’s fur. He rolls his body so he’s nearly lying on top of Ulaz, snuggled into the warmth of his fur. It’s only mildly damp, but he smells clean and so familiar that Shiro would know him anywhere.

“Can you keep talking?” Shiro asks. He loves the sound of Ulaz’s voice, and finds comfort in the familiar inflections and the cadence of it.

“Of course. Have I told you the story of Huttser?” Ulaz asks.

Shiro doesn’t bother trying to remember, and shakes his head ‘no’.

“He is a great Galran warrior of old, and there are many tales about him,” Ulaz offers, “I will start with my favorite— when Huttser won the heart of the goddess Palla.”

Shiro wiggles closer with a sigh as Ulaz begins talking.

It’s an interesting story, one that’s told to young kits at bedtime. But Shiro doesn’t pay much attention to the details. He’s wrung out, exhausted, and finally feels safe in his mate’s arms. It doesn’t take much time at all before he begins to snore softly as he slips into a peaceful slumber.

Ulaz continues talking long after Shiro has fallen asleep. Only once he is positive that Shiro will not wake up, he stops and checks to make sure that Shiro is tucked in. He adjusts a pillow supporting Shiro’s back, pulls the corner of another blanket up to cover Shiro’s feet. Once he’s satisfied he presses a tender kiss to the top of Shiro’s head, and lays down to sleep with his precious mate.


End file.
